20 Dad jokes (part two) to help lift spirits during the tough times

You taking the biscuit....? (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

So here goes with part two.....

I failed my driving test theory. The question said: “What is a sign you may see on a country road?”. Apparently “Pick your own strawberries” isn’t an acceptable answer.

Heard the one about getting your skates on...? (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Man walks into a bar and notices all the shelves are empty apart from some bottles of gin and whisky on the top shelf. “Ahh, I see you’re keeping your spirits up.”

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear he’s going to get a really tough sentence.

My mate's lad got a part in a play as a bloke who had been married for 25 years...... (Image: Getty Images)

Did you hear about the magician who uses chocolate in his magic act? He’s always got a couple of twix up his sleeve.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P, something T, something R.

Crossword Puzzle with pencil (Image: © Daniel Fung)

Richard III Camping Store is planning a sale in December - Now is the winter of our discount tents.

The man who invented the multi-screen cinema has sadly passed away. His funeral is next Tuesday at 6.40, 7.15, 8.20 and 9.05.

Richard III Camping is having a sale...... (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Just had a call from my mate. He said he bought a world map and told his wife: “throw this dart and wherever it lands I’m taking you for a holiday when this pandemic is over”. Turns out they’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I said to the doctor: “People keep taking the mick out of me because I think I’m a cricket ball.” The doctor said: “How’s that?“ I said: “Don’t you start.”

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.

My friend’s son got a part in a school play as a chap that’s been married 25 years. He told him: “Never mind son, you might get a speaking part next time.”

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. “No,” he replied. “But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.”

I’m a huge ice skating fan and when my Yorkshire friend said he could arrange for me to meet Torvill I was really excited. I was very disappointed when it turned out to be a big green duck...

I was watching the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.

I once had a chat with Elvis about certain supermarkets - Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda and Aldi. It was a Lidl-less Conversation.

Did you know today is ‘National Hindsight Day’? Or really, it should have been.

My wife says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong I’m taking her out for tea and biscuits today...It should be quite exciting as she’s never given blood before.

So I said to the man at the train station “I’d like a ticket to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.” He said ‘first class?’ I replied: “Thank you, I’ve been practicing to say it all week.”

I once saved Meatloaf from choking on a piece of German sausage. He thanked me afterwards. “You took the wurst right out of my mouth.”

And finally.....My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it. However, that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it...

If you missed our first instalment here goes.