Christine Webber inspires us to make real changes in our lives

Most of us there were in our seventies and tended to the belief that you can’t.   

We went on to discuss serious bad habits and how they impact on partners, friends and family.

And one of the people there, a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for well over 40 years, said that giving up booze is something that individuals have to instigate and see through themselves, and that no amount of cajoling from others really makes much difference.

He also said that when adults are addicted to something, most of them need to reach rock bottom, or almost, before they will seek the support that could effect change.   

This is really hard on partners and families, isn’t it?

As some of you may know, living with someone with this kind of problem can be a nightmare. There are lies to cope with, as well as half-truths, endless criticism and blame, and sometimes even abuse.

However, I think by the time you get to our sort of age, you’re forced to realise that you have no control over the situation except for one big choice, which is this: should you stay, or should you go?

I think you also recognise that if you choose to stay it’s wisest for your own sanity if you also accept that things may never change.

Tough call, isn’t it?

When we’re younger, we’ve rarely learned life’s lessons sufficiently to understand that we can’t change others, and we waste a lot of time trying.

Back in the ‘90s, I remember a male friend, who was a well-known psychologist, saying that women’s Number One hobby was trying to improve their husbands.

I protested that surely men tried to make changes in their beloved too, but according to him, if men settle happily with the woman of their dreams they tend to put her on a pedestal, regard her as perfect, and hope she’ll always stay the same.

This psychologist used to illustrate his theory with the following story.

A young man and woman go back to his place for the first time with the intention of taking their relationship to the next level, which they do.

After this breathless encounter, they are lying in his bed together and the man is thinking, “She’s marvellous. I can’t wait to do this again”.  

Meanwhile, the woman is gazing around his bedroom and deciding, “Those curtains will have to go!”

This always makes me smile. Of course, it’s an exaggeration of the differences in attitude but there is a certain truth in it, I think, when we look back to our youth and a time before we learned what’s really important in relationships.

So, to come back to how we are now, it could be that you are living with someone who is profoundly unfit – a smoker perhaps, or heavy drinker, or someone badly overweight and disinclined to do anything about it.

Maybe you look at this person you love and fear for their safety but don’t say anything because you don’t want to start an argument.

You may also be profoundly unhappy with the situation but don’t want to leave. If this is the case, is there anything at all you can do?

Well, sometimes people do change in response to what their partner does, as opposed to what their partner says.

If, for example, you worry about the amount of drinking or eating that goes on, and you know that you do a fair bit of that too even though not to the same extent, or you’re aware you could really do with getting more active and fit, you might decide to make a big effort to amend your own lifestyle without trying to involve your other half at all.

Then, if you’re very lucky, your spouse may possibly respond to the improvement in you by deciding, at last, to do something about his or her problem.  

But what if you’re reading this column and you know only too well that you are that person who has refused to change, and know too that your behaviour adversely affects your partner and your family, and maybe your friends as well?

Please believe me when I say that I know long term habits are hard to change.

But may I ask you to think for a moment if there is someone in your life who is so special to you that you really want to live longer to be around for that man, woman or child?

And then maybe you could ask yourself how you could prioritise alterations in your lifestyle which would not only delight that individual, but hopefully keep you alive and well for longer.

In other words, could you somehow reframe how you have been thinking so that changing for the better matters much more to you than continuing with the comfort of your usual ways?  

People do make this kind of decision every day. Could this be the week you become one of them?