How can we follow sheer excitement of Eurovision, Bafta awards, a new Doctor Who, Championship play0offs, Folk on the Pier in Cromer , a day without defections from one major political party to another or even  a good ole punch-up at a local council meeting?

Well, countdown has started for the Olympic Games flame to burn brightly in Paris from July 26 - and that inspires me to fire the starting pistol for a concerted campaign to bring the world’s most celebrated sporting festival to dear old Norfolk.

This extravaganza needs an overhaul, a new set of values, a fresh series of contests in which ordinary mortals can excel. 

Perhaps the only floor exercise you can manage is scrubbing kitchen tiles and individual foil means preparing the chicken for Sunday dinner. Maybe a three-day event is a weekend binge that leaves you with a Monday hangover  and the 100 metres is your idea of a good working title for a gasman’s memoirs.

The Norfolk-based Olympiad should be right up your loke. Not least if you are a fan of the noble art of croquet. It came and went in the 1900 Olympics with no apparent hoop of more invitations. If Hunstanton wins rights to stage part of our Norfolk  Games, it could be back with a vengeance, a local team in Sunny Hunny boater hats ready to take on the cream of New Zealand, Australia and South Africa.

Tug-of-war first made its mark in 1908.

The United States pullers then complained that Liverpool Police, who beat them to inspire “Kop that!” headlines all over the tabloids, were wearing illegal boots with spikes.

"We were proceeding  with normal constabulary footwear,” retorted the Merseyside marvels, suggesting that any more moans from the vanquished could lead those spikes into more fleshy pastures.

Reedham, home of the legendary Vikings heaving line-up of more recent times, is the obvious setting for a muscle-bulging revival, although Pulham Market could be pressing claims. As in 1908, rumours about  Irish competitors being disqualified for pushing are bound to flourish

While old-fashioned spirit ought to remain on draught, a big breakthrough could arrive in the shape of recreational winners some of us have known and loved since childhood. At last, all those hours of playground effort bearing grown-up fruit.

Marbles, hopscotch, flicking cigarette cards, spinning the top, bowling the hoop, sliding in hobnail boots on tarmac and ice, egg and spoon (without chewing gum), three-legged race (including Long John Silver impersonators, long-chain tag, cheese rolling,  sword dancing … perfect material for our free-wheeling Norfolk Olympics.

Plenty as well for fringe festival of demonstration events with rural delights like skinning a rabbit, plucking a pheasant, ploughing with horses,  bowling for the coypu, drenching the wench, hunting the thimble, passing he parcel, tossing the pancake and pinning the tail on a dickey with your eyes shut.

Morris dancing, wellie-hurling and dwile-flonking may feature although ferrets down the trousers for scratch contestants and the four-horse hunnycart race for members of the Boadicea Woadrunners  Club could face opposition from purists and health and safety sticklers.

Same applies to synchronised slimming, stringless conkers, bypass bartering, roadworks dodging, knockin’ and toppin’, all-day drinking and Greco-Roman wrestling at the Caistor St Edmund Coliseum.

Norfolk’s suitability to adorn an international stage in this way  owes much to the number of diverse communities with perfect names to go with specific activities  worthy of close attention  and enthusiastic audiences. That roll of honour includes the following :

  1. Rock climbing at Alpington
  2. Rodeo riding at Old Buckenham
  3. Chicken plucking at Great Moulton
  4.  Jelly making at Hethersett
  5. Flint collecting at Knapton
  6. Rowing at Sculthorpe
  7. Reed cutting at Sedgeford
  8. Apple bobbing at Syderstone
  9. Hedge trimming at Thornage.
  10. Road sweeping at Broome
  11. Strawberry gathering at North Pickenham
  12. Carpentry at Shelfanger
  13. Locksmithing at Stiffkey
  14. Police wrestling at Melton Constable
  15. Straw collecting at Bale
  16. 1500 metres at Mileham
  17. Lumberjack contest at Lopham
  18. Banger racing at Carbrooke
  19. Marathon at Runhall
  20. Tossing the caber at Wood Rising
  21. Bullfighting at Horningtoft
  22. Long distance walk at Limpenhoe
  23. Underground pole vaulting at Norton Subcourse.

Fringe events may see hairdressing at Crimplesham, eating contest at Burston, wrestling at Flordon, troshin’ at Swaffham, mardling  at Gasthorpe, finding fault with everything at Tuttington and being content with bronze at Winfarthing.

Homely fun with no strings attached. So much better than non-stop diets of diving and dressage, hockey and handball, weightlifting and water polo. And all for five rings under your eyes.

Over to you, Mr Starter, for the Norfolk Olympics – with dewin’ diffrunt on top of the podium!