Keith Skipper looks at impact on villages of pub closures

The Dewdrop Inn at Lower Dodman, where blackout curtains, gas masks and ration books were kept behind he bar just in case, was most costly free house in the country according to long-suffering landlord Jason Bullard.

Even so, he decided to embrace traditional village virtues in the hope of ensuring unity and survival well beyond that festive fling. Sadly, like so many other cherished local watering holes, It has since gone along with a host of endearing characters needed to hold cries of “last orders!” at bay.

Those virtues included keeping a watchful eye on over-age drinking among those renowned for never buying a round, providing a deep bunker out back for anyone determined to use a mobile phone and presenting a unique Naivety Play for newcomers to the area who thought squit was an essential ingredient of Norfolk humble pie.

“We get quite a lot of them dropping in over the Christmas holiday with relatives who thought they’d died or emigrated. It’s nice to lure them into the heart of our little community with a few homely pointers as to why this remains the most welcoming corner of the land” enthused mine host Bullard.

“We want to show this is not merely a festival dedicated to the birth of Bing Crosby or even a handy excuse to feature guest ales like Muckwash Mild, Buskins Bitter and Slantendicular Surprise. It’s a time for peace and goodwill, even for folk who last visited a pub when you could have a night out for under five bob.”

That year’s Naivety Play. The Thirsty Noel, was written. directed and performed by the hostelry’s Three Wise Mentors, retired coypu catcher Ernie Hoskins, retired stack thatcher Horry Barnes and retired muck spreader Billy Askew. Semi-retired dishwasher Elsie Wedgewood, who worked in the pub’s Sinkers & Swimmers Restaurant, had the roles of dresser, script advisor, box-office manger, cheerleader and prompt.

“We raise a number of important social questions but leave answers to our audience . After all, we have no idea why Christmas comes just when the shops are very crowded or why we make a lot of noise singing Silent Night” reflected Ernie.” I’ve been working hard on alternative uses for sprouts” enthused Horry.

One bright idea was to dip a selection in melted chocolate and then place them in an empty chocolate box ready to pass round to your least favourite relatives. Or you could put numbers on them with a marker pen, slip them into the tumble dryer and play the lottery your way on Christmas Eve.

Village Virtues 2

Billy was nuts about crackers: “It’s not just the lovely bang to wake ‘ em up at the back. I relish the chance to give all dreadful jokes a new coat of paint. Here’s my favourite .. why is Ireland still the richest country in the world? Because its capital is always Dublin!.”

He was halfway through a recipe for Norfolk hogweed soup when Elsie emerged from the restaurant with chef Percy Pingle. They unravelled sheets of paper, cleared their throats dramatically and stepped into their freshly minted routine …. “I say, I say, I say ..we were so poor we simply couldn’t afford a turkey.”

“So what did you do about Christmas dinner, then?.”

“We gave our budgie a chest expanders.”

They took a synchronised bow and waited for applause that never came.

“That’s nothing” sighed Ernie. “We used to cook a sausage and stick a feather in it.”

“It was five a side to a cracker in our house” offered Billy.

“My mother-in-law came to stay with us for 23 Christmas Days in a row” recalled Horry. “We finally relented and let her in.”

The landlord hinted there was no room in his inn for such idle banter and called for serious rehearsals to begin.

The three rural sages headed for a small stage in the corner, carols recorded by The Muckwash Magna Mummers building gently as they eased into comfortable armchairs. Elsie poured their drinks and carefully moved away with the words : “A Norfolk Christmas Eve long ago ….”

This was Ernie’s cue to turn towards his oldest pals; “Would you like to earn a few bob without doing anything for it? “ he asked, “Ah, that we would, ole bewty!” replied Horry and Billy in unison. “Well, do you come along o’ me” said Ernie, leading them to front door of the biggest house I the village. He left them there and went round to the kitchen door and asked to see the Major.

He was escorted to the drawing room where the Major (played by Jason Bullard) was seated in front of a roaring log fire.” And what can I do for you, sonny?” inquired the great man .”Well, sir” came the reply. “Three of us hev been singin’ carols outside yar front door for ‘bowt an hour but we just couldn’t make you hear.”

“Oh, dear!” sighed the Major, dipping a hand into his waistcoat pocket. “I really am most sorry.

He presented Ernie with three shiny shillings.