Well, there’s no better day to celebrate cheesy Dad jokes than Father’s Day.
So here goes with a special edition to delight the Dads and probably make everyone else groan....
A Spanish magician told the audience he would disappear on the count of three. He said: “Uno, dos” and then he disappeared without a tres.
The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local Patisserie is retiring today. Whoever replaces him has got some massive chouxs to fill.
I was in the supermarket the other day when someone threw a block of mild cheddar at me. Outraged I shouted: “Well, that’s not very mature is it?”
My mate just rang and said: “My gardening skills have improved dramatically during lockdown. I planted myself on the sofa at the end of March and I’ve grown bigger ever since.”
A man arrested for theft told police: “You’ve accused me of stealing clothes from washing lines. I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt.”
A fella down the road kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast. I wouldn’t mind normally, but it was all night long.
A bloke I know said: “My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I’ve picked August 1st, September 1st and December 1st.”
I’ve taken all German contacts off my mobile phone. I’ve gone Hans free.
After 12 attempts, my mate’s wife finally passed her driving test. He asked her what he could get for her as a celebration gift. “Just something cheap to run around in,” she said. So he bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi,
A Dulux paint advert came on the TV last night and I had to switch it off as it was making feel too emulsional.
I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday.
A soldier who was lodging in my house has disappeared owing me six months rent. He told me he was a Corporal but I’ve since discovered that he’s a left tenant.
My mate has developed a strange habit of chewing up Japanese style fold out beds. I think he may have futon mouth disease.
I was once in a band called “The Radiators,” we were a warm up act. Then I joined “The Duvets,” we mainly did covers. After that, I was in an outfit called “Cat’s Eyes”, mostly middle of the road stuff. Now I’m in a group called “Missing Cat” - you may have seen our posters.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Did you hear about the guy who had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad minton.
To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?’ The girl leaned over and said: ‘Burrr … gurrr … king.”
Are people born with a photographic memory or does it take time to develop?
After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
*If you want to submit a joke or two, please email ian.clarke@archant.co.uk.
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